The Democratic Party of the United States, founded in 1792 and thus the oldest continually active political party on earth, suddenly died today, apparently through the collective choice of its leadership. Though the party had been in poor health for at least the past twelve years, and had been in precipitous decline since early 2001, its death still came as a shock to many observers.

“Egad, I can’t believe it!” said Gore Vidal, safely ensconced in his castle somewhere in Europe. “Not even my bottomless reserves of cynicism can deal with such a calamity. It leaves me speechless!”

However, others were more sanguine about a development that is certain to affect the political landscape significantly, at least in the short term.

“I saw it coming and, to be honest, I’m resigned to it, just as I was resigned to having the Presidency stolen from me,” said Sen. John Kerry, the party’s nominee for president in 2004, as some readers may recall.

The final blow appears to have been the Democratic leadership’s decision not to oppose strongly, until the last minute, the nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court to replace retiring Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Alito ¾ whose judicial record no knowledgeable and sane person would characterize as other than incredibly reactionary ¾ was chastised by Democrats for not revealing, under interrogation by the Senate Judiciary Committee, his views on slavery and other controversial social issues. However, the party had agreed to allow onto the High Court a man who believes it’s just swell to give a right-wing tyrant the power to rule America unopposed, until voters in their states began disrupting their valuable time by tying up phone lines and email traffic in an effort to stop Alito’s appointment.

“It’s true that, to our party’s liberal base, the decision not to try to filibuster Judge Alito, at least until it was certain that no such filibuster would take place, may not appear to make much sense,” conceded Sen. Harry Reid, the Senate minority leader. “However, we know better than they, and we are convinced that the best way to oppose Bush, at a time when his public approval numbers are lower than any second-term president in modern history except Richard Nixon, is to do exactly what the White House asks us Democrats to do, 98% of the time.” Equally positive about Bush’s choice were Republicans noted for being pro-choice on the abortion issue. Sen. Arlen Spector, the ranking Republican on the Judiciary Committee, commented, “I feel that Samuel Alito is an honorable man, and the fact that the most hate-filled organizations in the country all strongly supported his nomination is surely an unfortunate coincidence.”

However, liberal Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, also a member of the committee, opposed his party’s decision to commit seppuku.

“When the issue came up, I strongly disagreed with our leadership’s decision to choose political suicide, at least at this time. Judge Alito, though a highly intelligent and competent shyster, has been revealed to one and all as holding views significantly to the right of Rudolf Hess. And in fact, compared to those who ran our party at the time I rode my brothers’ coattails into the Senate, our current leaders are all dorks ¾ but don’t quote me on that!”

When asked if there is any future for the Democrats ¾ whether there can be, in fact, life after political death ¾ Sen. Reid was noncommittal.

“Time will tell. Frankly, the historical precedent of the Whigs in the 19th Century doesn’t give us great reason for hope. But I am optimistic. After all, our rank-and-file has put up with so much in the last four years. Perhaps the death of the organization to which they gave so much of their time and effort and money may actually come as a relief to many of them. And they’re loyal. If we’re lucky, and we play our cards right, the ghost of our once-great party may haunt both houses of Congress for at least a generation to come.”

By DAVID BALDWIN
Published January 31, 2006